Shame the Stars

Bill let his eyes wander over Elsie as she lay beside him reading her latest Mills and Boon. Whisps of grey hair framed her face and the hands that cradled her novel were mottled with age spots yet he thought to himself, she’s as beautiful today as the day we first met over 75 years ago.

Bill remembered it well.

~~~

It was a hot, sticky Saturday night and all the eligible young lads and ladies were gathered at the town hall for the big dance – the most important social event of the week. Party lights adorned the rafters, masking the peeling paint and a punch bowl and glasses were set up in one corner under the watchful eye of two elderly matrons. A five-piece band commanded the front stage entertaining locals with a mix of Bing Crosby, Fred Astaire and jaunty jazz numbers. Fanning out along one side of the room, women in figure-hugging satin in hues of peacock blue, dusty pink and emerald green perched on the edge of chairs chatting with friends, eyes searching for a suitor brave enough to whip them onto the dance floor. On the other side, the men stood together in groups, laughing and sneaking peeks at the ladies, egging each other on to take the first step.

As Bill approached the entrance nervous chatter, laughter and music greeted him. He ran his fingers under the sweaty collar of his starched shirt, straightened his tie and jacket and wiped his hands on his freshly pressed pants. His unruly dark hair was slicked down with brill cream and his shoes and hair shone under the lights. Tanned from working under the harsh Australian sun, Bill was a tall, handsome man reminiscent of a rugged Errol Flynn. As he strode into the hall he saw her.

And that’s when he thought he’d been struck by lightning.

‘Strewth,’ he muttered as she floated past him in a ruffled white chiffon dress. Her raven curls swept up around her head, the elegant shape of her neck, her fair skin and blue eyes took his breath away.

As she moved through the crowd, a burly man Bill didn’t recognise grabbed her around the middle, swung her in the air and then crushed her against him. ‘How about a kiss sweetheart,’ he slurred puckering his lips. The slap of her hand on his cheek resonated around the room as she stared him down. The once brash man mumbled an apology before retreating and the fearless beauty continued on her way, holding her head high as she joined an excitable woman with bright red hair and a mass of freckles. He recognised the redhead; it was Daphne Jones who worked at her family’s grocery store in town. Ignoring the call of his mates, Bill positioned himself closer to the two ladies.

‘Hello Elsie, are you alright?’ bellowed Daphne over the music.

‘Yes Daphne, I just had to extricate myself from that gentleman,’ Elsie replied. Her vocabulary and the way she spoke told Bill she was not from the small town he called home.

‘I was starting to wonder if you were coming.’

‘I had to go through the full inspection and listen to a lecture about all the things “a lady doesn’t do” before I left,’ Elsie laughed as she surveyed the room, her eyes falling on Bill who grinned and bowed to her.

Elsie lowered her head, her cheeks burning. After what just happened she was cautious about meeting any of the local lads, but she sensed there was something about this man that was different and when she looked up he was still staring at her. She smiled back at him.

Bill stepped forward and held out a rough, calloused hand. ‘Bill Smith, pleased to meet you.’

Her skin was warm as her slender fingers wrapped around his. ‘Elsie Norman,’ she responded.

Up close, Elsie was even prettier and butterflies swirled in Bill’s stomach. ‘Would you … er … care to dance?’

‘I’d love to,’ Elsie said as she let Bill lead her onto the dance floor, the band striking up a waltz. As Bill placed his hand around her tiny waist he breathed in the scent of lavender and rosewater. The music ended but Bill and Elsie remained in the centre of the room holding each other, oblivious to the sniggers of interested onlookers.

‘Would you like to sit down now?’

‘No,’ breathed Elsie, ‘I’d like to keep dancing if you don’t mind.’

‘I don’t mind at all,’ Bill replied and they began to sway in time as the music swelled once more. Holding Elsie felt as natural and easy to Bill as breathing, like they had known each other all their lives. He rested his nose on the top of her head and his heart hammered. He lost his step but Elsie picked up the rhythm and they continued with their private, silent conversation.

All too soon it was time to leave and they exited the hall, hands clasped as Bill escorted her to a tall gum tree on the lawn to wait for her ride home.

‘Can I see you again?’ Bill asked as they stood under the light of the full moon, the cool evening air refreshing on their glistening and sweaty faces.

‘That would be lovely, I’d like that.’

Bill tilted her face to his and kissed her. He felt her respond to him, her mouth pressed hard against his as her arms wrapped around his neck. Desire coursed through him and he caressed her cheek as he gently pushed her away. Daphne called out over the crowd, ‘Hey Elsie, you’d better not let your mum see you with him!’

Bill wondered if Elsie’s face was as flushed as his, her heart racing as fast. Regaining her composure, Elsie took two steps back and he felt like he’d woken from a wonderful dream. ‘I’d better go. My father will be here any minute. See you next week?’ Bill nodded as he watched her turn and walk away, touching his lips where her kiss lingered.

~~~

Bill was distracted and had to endure a torrent of teasing from his mates over the next few days about the woman who had stolen his heart but it was worth it.

No one had made him feel this way, she was truly extraordinary. But he had to pay attention. It was no good forgetting what you were doing when you were felling hard-wood trees that climbed as high as the sky. He and his best mate “Stretch” Squires, so named for his diminutive stature, cleared the bush and cut sleepers for the local timber mill. It wouldn’t make them rich but it was honest, hard work.

‘Time for a break hey Bill,’ declared Stretch. They threw down the axes and got to work on the billy. It was then Bill noticed it, slithering right towards Stretch. Grabbing his hatchet, he called out, ‘Duck,’ and threw the weapon at the red belly black. It severed the snake’s back and his friend swore loudly.

‘You could have killed me Bill,’ he yelled.

‘Nah, the snake could’ve killed you, not me. I was doing you a favour mate.’

‘Don’t do me any more favours,’ Stretch said, running a shaky hand through his hair, but he was already laughing.

As they dipped biscuits into their tea Stretch probed Bill about Elsie.  ‘Hey Bill, you fancy that city girl, don’t you? You know she could be trouble – she might be used to the good life and I hear she’s a catholic too.’

‘I don’t know Stretch, she’s different and a damn good sort.’

‘Well don’t say I didn’t warn you. You should sow your oats before you settle down with any filly,’ Stretch mumbled through a mouthful of biscuit.

‘Yeah, but when you see a thoroughbred mate, you don’t let it get away.’ And that was exactly what Bill was going to do.

~~~

On Wednesday, Elsie and her mother went into town. Elsie knew where Daphne would be – where she always was – at her parent’s store. The shop was the hub of all gossip and the centre of the universe for the people of Wootton. Only the pub could rival it as a source of town information.

The bell that hung over the door tinkled as Elsie entered. ‘Hello Elsie, I’ve been expecting you,’ Daphne said as a cheeky grin spread across her face.

‘Good morning Daphne,’ Elsie replied, pulling her shopping list from her pocket and placing items in her basket. ‘Oh Daphne, I wondered if you know anything about Bill Smith?’ Elsie inquired as she pretended to examine tins of tea leaves.

‘That didn’t take long,’ Daphne giggled. ‘He lives out of town, cuts timber for Allan Taylor’s mill. He’s a bit of a bushie but he’s easy on the eye, isn’t he?’ she teased.

‘I suppose he’s handsome enough,’ Elsie stated as she made her way to the counter with her basket of goods. ‘Does he … ever come into town for anything?’

‘Well, he enjoys a beer at the pub and he plays footy when they can scrape a team together. He usually comes in on Fridays to pick up supplies and check if they have a game on and sometimes he turns up for the Saturday dance. I’ll probably see him; do you want me to leave a message for him?’ Daphne hinted and Elsie could hear the expectation in her friend’s voice. Daphne can’t wait to tell Bill every juicy detail about her.

‘No, thank you Daphne,’ Elsie replied, picking up the basket. ‘I’ll see you Saturday night.’

Leaving the shop, Elsie was so busy concocting potential excuses to go into town on Friday that she ran right into someone – Bill!

‘Oh, Bill, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you,’ Elsie stammered as she retrieved her basket from the ground.

‘Elsie, nice to see you too,’ Bill laughed, crouching down to help. Their fingers touched and an electric current ran through Elsie’s hand.

‘I hoped I’d run into you today but not literally,’ Bill teased as he helped her up, reluctant to let her go. ‘I was hoping I could take you to the pictures.’

Elsie chewed at her bottom lip, her eyes darting down the street where her mother was chatting with a neighbour. ‘I … er … I’d love to but I’m .. er … I’m not sure. My mother’s pretty strict.’

‘Of course. Well, how about I call over and meet your family first? It’s the proper thing to do.’

‘Yes it is young man,’ a stern female voice said from behind Bill. ‘You’d better introduce me Elsie.’

Elsie gulped as her mother moved around Bill and inserted herself between them. Bill whipped his hat off his head and stuck out his hand. ‘I’m Bill Smith ma’am. I’m a sleeper cutter for the mill.’

‘Mrs Norman,’ Elsie’s mother said shaking his hand. Her face was as stiff as the collar of her black frock and her eyebrows rose as she surveyed his dirty clothes and muddy boots.

Bill straightened his back and Elsie gave him an encouraging smile. ‘Mrs Norman, I’d like to take Elsie to the pictures this weekend. I’ll have her home as soon as the film is over.’

‘I don’t think so, Elsie is too young to be gadding about the countryside with someone we don’t know,’ Mrs Norman replied as she gripped her daughter by the arm. ‘Come on Elsie, time to get home.’

Bill stepped around them, his face mere inches from Elsie’s mother. ‘Mrs Norman … ma’am … I like Elsie and I think she likes me. I want to take her out. If you’d be willing.’

To Elsie the silence seemed to stretch on forever. Bill stood as tall and still as the trees in the bush he loved so much.

‘Come by the house for tea on Saturday evening and we’ll see. We’re the last property on Sullivans Road. Six o’clock sharp and don’t be late,’ Mrs Norman demanded.

~~~

On Saturday afternoon, Bill scrubbed himself clean, donned his best shirt and tie, and oiled his hair down. Examining himself in the mirror in the small room he rented at Stretch’s place he thought he might pass muster.

‘Bloody hell,’ exclaimed his best mate. ‘You’re going to a lot of trouble; she’d better be worth it. I wouldn’t want to mess with her mother – she looks like a spitfire to me!’

‘Well, you have to work hard for the things you want Stretch, one day you’ll understand,’ Bill said as he patted the short man on the head but his insides were churning.

As he walked the four miles to Elsie’s house Bill practiced what he was going to say and how to behave. Stretch’s mother had given him a crash course in etiquette – how to sip wine, which knife and fork to use when, and how to engage in respectable dinner conversation. In his hands was a bunch of roses, courtesy of Mrs Squire’s garden. He worried Elsie’s family would think he was not worthy. He wasn’t wealthy but he had saved hard and hoped to buy his own place soon. Then there was the small matter of faith. He was concerned that Elsie’s parents would not approve of the match because he was a protestant and Elsie catholic. It was a tricky pairing but Bill was not a religious man and if he had to become a catholic to win her family over, he would

Taking a deep breath, he knocked firmly on the front door. A well-dressed man with wavy blond hair, a bushy moustache and blue eyes that were just like Elsie’s answered and with a half-smile beckoned him inside. ‘You must be Bill. You’d better come in; the ladies don’t like to be kept waiting.’

One look at Elsie who rose when he entered the sitting room and all the instructions about cutlery and behaviour evaporated. Her hair was down, rippling in black waves around her face and shoulders and she was wearing a navy polka dot dress that was a stark contrast to her fair skin. Bill stood rooted to the spot before remembering his manners and handing the roses to Mrs Norman. He downed the whiskey Elsie’s father handed to him in one gulp. During supper, Elsie’s parents quizzed him about his work and his upbringing. Bill told them his family lived on a dairy farm in Taree and he had moved to the district two years ago searching for work. As the youngest son he wouldn’t inherit the farm and was determined to forge his own path. He puffed out his chest with pride as he told them he was close to buying a small property of his own.

Elsie’s mother scrutinised Bill and her daughter, catching the smiles they shared across the table and the heat that coloured her daughter’s cheeks whenever Bill said her name. Elizabeth Norman was no idiot. Elsie was smitten and from what she could tell, Bill felt the same way.

After dinner, Bill thanked the Normans for the lovely meal and kissed Mrs Norman and Elsie’s hands before he left.

Elsie hid behind the sitting room door as her parents discussed her suitor.

‘He’s a protestant, you know,’ her mother tsked.

‘It’s not the end of the world, Lizzie,’ her father replied, his voice calm and steady. ‘He’s a good man. I asked around town, and everyone thinks highly of him. He’s honest and hard-working. If he’s willing to convert, what’s the issue?’

‘But what are his prospects, John? Can he take care of our daughter?’

‘What he said about buying a bit of land is true. Fred Jones told me at the pub, so he must be doing alright. Elsie could do worse.’

In that one conversation, the future of Bill and Elsie was sealed but Bill continued to court her for several months. He forged a strong friendship with Elsie’s older brother Henry who enjoyed teasing them about their relationship. When Henry was killed serving in World War II both Elsie and Bill were heartbroken. Bill discovered Elsie loved books, especially romance stories, and when she shared her copy of Romeo and Juliet with him, he forced himself to read it. It wasn’t his cup of tea but it grew on him.

One evening as he and Elsie sat on the verandah gazing at the night sky Bill turned to her and he thought he understood how Romeo felt about his Juliet.

“The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,” he whispered in her ear, quoting the star-crossed lover and Elsie spun to face him, her eyes shining.

‘Shakespeare. Oh, Bill, you did read it. That’s so beautiful.’

Bill stood and strode into the house, leaving Elsie alone and speechless.

The minutes ticked by and Elsie was about to follow him to check if he was alright when Bill returned, digging a small ring out of his pocket as he dropped to his knees.

‘Elsie, will you marry me,’ he asked, his voice shaky.

Elsie lifted him and held him to her, kissing him for so long they gasped for air at the end.

‘I take it that’s a yes,’ Bill chuckled.

Soon they were married and their family grew to eleven children. Through all the years, the good times and the bad, they remained forever in love.

~~~

Elsie rolled to her side, dropping the book to the bed as she peered at Bill snoring beside her, television still on and glasses perched on his nose.

She studied his face and thought to herself how well he’d kept his good looks and his sense of humour. He was her husband and could rival any of the heroes she read about each night. She switched the television off and settled her head on his shoulder. Bill stirred instantly.

‘Elsie,’ he muttered, ‘I was watching that.’

The joy of storytelling

Storytelling is an art. It can take many forms and mean various things to different people. It may conjure up images of friends sharing tall tales around a campfire or parents reading picture books to their children. 

Storytelling has always been an important part of human existence. 

It can help us make sense of the world, escape our mundane lives, cause us to laugh out loud and bring us to tears. For me, storytelling has been a path back to creativity, a way to shake off self-doubt, put my ideas into the universe and be vulnerable. 

When I think of great storytellers, my mind goes to renowned authors like Shakespeare, Tolkien, Jane Austen, Stephen King, and J K Rowling, but I love turning the first page of a new book by an author I’ve never read before and seeing where it takes me. 

Lyrics, music, artwork and photos can also tell compelling stories.

Australian singer/songwriter Paul Kelly is regarded as a master storyteller and then there’s the beautifully crafted music and lyrics of Crowded House. These artists weave stories that draw us in and create an immediate emotional connection.

Many years ago, I was lucky enough to visit the Louvre in Paris and was excited to see the Mona Lisa in person. Don’t hate me, but I was disappointed. Sure, it’s a great artwork, but it didn’t pull me in, but I was captivated by Van Gough’s sunflower painting on tour at the Australian National Gallery in Canberra. The way Van Gough captured light and colour was extraordinary and in my mind, I pictured myself lying in a field of sunflowers, my face warmed by sunshine.

I come from a long line of storytellers. My father spins brilliant yarns and my great-grandfather Fardie was a schoolteacher and storyteller and encouraged me from an early age to write. Growing up I loved creating scary stories and sharing them with my cousins and at age nine I wrote my first story, The Creepy Castle.

Today it can be difficult to differentiate between stories told by real people and those generated by artificial intelligence. AI has been used by tech-savvy students (ChatGPT) for years to write their essays and some people use it for job applications or creating resumes. Working out what is a genuine human creation can be difficult.

I worry that the creative efforts of humans are now at risk. This to me is a frightening storyline. Rest assured all the content on my site has been crafted by me, warts and all and there is more to come.

It is with great excitement, and trepidation, that I will soon release my biggest story to date – my first novel, Bad Country. It’s a story that has been in my head for years and was shaped by my experiences growing up on farms and later working with law enforcement and national agencies. Set in the fictional small town of Wallaby Rock, a central theme of Bad Country is psychogeography.

What if the land holds onto memories? Memories that seep deep into the soil and soul of the places where they’ve occurred. This was my inspiration for Bad Country, where a young woman who possesses the gift of second sight has the power to end a chain of events spanning centuries, but only if she finally accepts who she is.

I hope you can support my work by buying a copy of Bad Country and if you enjoy it, drop me a line at kimulrickwriter@gmail.com or share a review on my site or on my Instagram or Facebook accounts. I’d love to hear from you.

The Secret Keepers

Waves pummel the beach, lashing the sand as the sea rushes to claim me. I squeal and race up the steep, winding path to the cabin.

As I scramble to the top of the cliff, black clouds open and lightening streaks across the sky.

“Maggie, Maggie,” my mother demands, her voice carried away by the storm, “come inside now!”

Thunder shakes the ground as I race to safety.

“Take off your wet things and dry off,” Mamma orders.

 “Where’s Pappa?” I ask as I strip off my soaked pinafore in front of the fire before dragging on dry clothes.

“He’s gone to put the light on. This storm’s a big one!”

On cue, a clanging bell propels us into action. Holding a lantern, Mamma leads the way to the top of the cliff where Pappa is waiting. The light flashes across the bow of a ship listing in the enormous swell.

“She’s hit the reef. Going down,” Pappa screams through the howling wind. He’s holding a whistle and lantern in one hand; rope is slung over his shoulder and he’s clutching a life buoy to his chest.

“What do we do, Pappa? We have to help them,” I cry.

“It’s too dangerous to launch the raft. Stay here Maggie,” Pappa orders as my parents start the steep and slippery descent to the beach.

Blowing on the whistle, Pappa flings the buoy as far as he can. Together he and Mamma drag in a young boy who coughs and splutters before losing his grip and disappearing under the waves. Pappa wades in, carrying the boy back to shore. He keeps trying, trying until he has no strength left.

That night, terrified screams wake us. We learn that Danny was the cabin boy and the ship was on route to Melbourne when it ran aground on the reef.

The next day Mamma and Pappa gather the bodies of the crew from the beach while I tend to Danny.

“It wasn’t the storm that sunk us … I saw it … push the ship onto the reef then drag it down.” Danny makes the sign of the cross before continuing. “The Kraken,” he whispers.

 “The Kraken,” I repeat.

 “Shush,” Danny urges. “If you speak its name and knock three times it comes. I didn’t believe them. I thought it was just a sailor’s tale, a myth. So, I tried it. It’s my fault. I killed them. Killed them all,” Danny sobs and I pat his arm, unsure what to do or say.

Fifteen bodies are recovered. Mamma and Pappa lay them in a grassy space next to the cabin. Danny identifies each man and tells us ten are still missing, including the captain.

That night when Mamma and Pappa go to bed, Danny sneaks to my side and begs me not to tell anyone what he’s shared. He’s convinced others will be like him and try to call the creature. I agree.

Besides, Pappa always said the sea likes to keep her secrets.

Thirty reasons why

Claire’s knees scream in protest; the cold concrete unforgiving. Groaning, she stands and pulls three stacked shoe boxes toward her. Envelopes and papers fall out as she stumbles backwards, her foot hitting the edge of an old rake, its handle falling forward and clunking her on the head.

“Ouch,” she cries, rubbing the spot at the back of her skull that would soon be home to a small and tender lump. Collecting the papers that had escaped their home of many years Claire navigates her way to the garage door. She dodges bookcases, a treadmill that she keeps telling herself she will use again one day, a stack of old paint tins, and a pile of camping equipment.

Continue reading “Thirty reasons why”

From the country to the coast

It may seem cliché to say it, but we do live in the lucky country. I am a country girl at heart, but I also love the smell of salt water and sand between my toes and in this blog, I am going to share some of my favourite spots in the Illawarra region and Southern Highlands of New South Wales.

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Washington DC—A capital place for golf, food and more

My visit to DC was historic in more ways than one. It was my first overseas trip since COVID-19 began, my first-time playing golf in the USA and I achieved a long-time golfing goal!

I didn’t visit any wineries, but I dine dine at great restaurants, visit famous landmarks, experience a game of baseball and tour amazing museums and galleries. First, to golf.

Continue reading “Washington DC—A capital place for golf, food and more”

Mornington Peninsula: great golf and wine in any conditions

“I love playing golf in the rain, because no one can see that I’m crying,” is a quote that summed up my game at The Dunes on the Mornington Peninsula of Victoria. It wasn’t just any rain; it was the most torrential downpour I have ever played in. It was a true links, Scottish weather golfing experience and one that made me want to return and play this amazing course on a sunnier day.

Continue reading “Mornington Peninsula: great golf and wine in any conditions”

Playing with the boys

She’s late.

Drumming my fingers on the steering wheel I sneak a look at my fingernails. Chewed. To the quick.

It’s a bad habit I’ve tried to kick. One my male colleagues like to comment on. They enjoy critiquing my appearance. My hair … my breasts … my clothes … my bum …. my make-up. They’re not alone. The trolls on social media love to tell me how I could improve my appearance, not my work, just how I look. They have a real hatred for red heads. Or maybe it’s just me.

Without thinking the humming starts, and my fingers tap along to Taylor Swift’s, Shake it Off. It’s my go to song to reset my mood or reduce anxiety.

Read more: Playing with the boys

Where is she?

If she doesn’t turn up, I have nothing. No story. No big breakthrough to prove I have what it takes to make it in the cut-throat and male-dominated world that is sports journalism.

I wonder again if this is a set-up. If one of the Neanderthals I work with are behind it. It’s absolutely something they would do. Embarrassing me has become an office game.

Like the time I found a gift-wrapped packet of condoms in my desk drawer with a typed note: To be used in the case of an emergency. The ‘present’ appeared after I knocked back the racing editor, Johnno Thompson for a second time. Johnno keeps insisting he can do me a favour, that he needs to take the little lady out for a drink.

I jump at the soft knock on the passenger door.

‘Geez, you scared me,’ I stammer as a tall, slender woman dressed in jeans and a dark hoodie, lowers herself into the passenger seat.

‘Sorry I’m late. I had to wait until my husband was asleep,’ she whispers as she glances at the side mirror. ‘You made sure no one followed you?’

‘Yes. Do you have the information?’ My palms sweat as I wait for her reply.

Nodding she pulls a large envelope from the inside of her jumper. Pushing a run-away strand of blonde hair from her face she passes it over with trembling hands.

‘Are you alright?’ This is the first time we have met in person and even in the poor light of the nearby streetlamp I can see the strain on her face.

My source, Ms X, contacted me two months ago. She phoned a day after my feature article on the mental health challenges facing young, elite athletes appeared in the paper.

She initially called from a public phone and from that point we only corresponded via WhatsApp.

Once I gained her trust, she shared with me the full story behind her son’s death and her suspicions about the Lions rugby league club.

Ms X confided that her son Josh died five years ago from a heart attack. He was seventeen. Traces of steroids were found in his system, but Josh’s death was written off as a tragic and unexpected event. At the time, his club, a feeder team for the Lions, vehemently denied any knowledge and were cleared of any involvement.

After the inquiry, Ms X was offered a job with the Lions – she saw it as a blatant attempt to keep her quiet. She initially declined the position but after her husband lost his job, she accepted a back-office role at Lion’s headquarters. But she never stopped searching for answers.

Ms X confided that her son was told by his coach to ‘bulk up,’ that he was ‘too slight’ to make first grade. He’d turned into a gym-junkie and had just made the Lion’s reserve grade team when he lost his life. My source was convinced performance enhancing drugs were rife at the Lions and its feeder teams. That her son was pushed down the path of dangerous steroid use.

Staring at her lap, Ms X rubs her hands nervously together.

‘Are you alright?’ I ask for a second time. Ms X finally nods. ‘Just make sure I’m not implicated. That my name is not released,’ she replies.

‘Absolutely,’ I confirm as I tear open the envelope.

‘It’s all there. Personal and confidential notes from the club doctor and photos of private emails between him and the coach. But there’s more.’

‘More?’ I breathe.

‘I wanted to get to the bottom of who is supplying this stuff, but I kept hitting brick walls. Until two days ago,’ she says, running a shaky hand through her hair.

‘I heard the coach talking to someone named Bulldog on his mobile after training. I was hiding in the treatment room, listening in. They arranged to meet that evening. After he hung up, the coach took the SIM card out of his phone, broke it in half and threw it in the bin. Then he put in a new one. I waited at the club, then followed him.’ I look at her in awe. This is one brave and determined woman.

‘They met in the carpark of the Star Tavern. I recognised the man. He sometimes comes to the games and likes to mix with the players. He splashes cash around like its Monopoly money. I overhead one of the bar staff saying the man has connections to the Taipans bikie gang.’

‘Bloody hell,’ I mutter.

‘I took a photo on my phone. It’s dark and grainy, but you can just make out his face. I got him handing over a package to the coach. I printed the photo for you. It’s all there,’ she finishes.

‘You know they will suspect you. Because of your son and your job at the club. Maybe it would be safer for you and your husband to get out of town for a while?’ I suggest, watching for her reaction.

‘The truth needs to come out. For Josh,’ she says, tears sliding down her cheeks as she steals another glance at the side mirror. ‘I hope you bring them all down.’ Before I can respond she exits the car and melds into the darkness.

I wait until I get home to go through the package. What I have is pure dynamite. It could be the biggest story of the year.

The next morning, I wait until my boss, the Sports Editor, Dave Rogers, is onto his third cup of coffee before tapping on his office door. Everyone knows it’s not safe to speak to him until he is well-caffeinated. He looks up and motions me inside. ‘What’s up, Sarah?’ Dave grunts, as I close the door behind me.

‘I have a story, boss. A big one,’ I start.

‘A big story hey. Well, let’s hear it,’ he smiles in an amused way.

‘Five years ago, a young, up-and-coming rugby league player died. Heart attack. He was only seventeen. They found steroids in his system and there were rumours his club, the Bay Bulls who are affiliated with the Lions, were involved,’ I pause for a moment before ploughing on. ‘The official inquiry cleared his club and the Lions of any involvement, but I have information proving the Lions are not only aware of the use of performance enhancing drugs in their players but are actively encouraging, supplying, monitoring and covering up their use.’

I survey my boss, a paunchy, middle-aged man whose every second word is an expletive, as he pops a strip of Nicorette gum in his mouth. Whenever he’s agitated, he reaches for the gum.

‘That’s a serious accusation. Who’s your source? Are they reliable?’ Dave growls.

‘My source is rock solid, but I can’t tell you who they are.’

Dave rolls his eyes. ‘The Lions, and the league, are a big supporter of the paper you know. This ‘rock solid’ source better be right, or everyone’s arse is on the line.’

‘It gets worse,’ I say, hesitating.

‘Out with it,’ Dave snaps. I now have his full attention.

‘The information I have connects the Lions, or at least the coach, to the Taipans outlaw motorcycle gang. From what I was told, and the information I have, the Taipans are the suppliers.’

Dave swears as he rips open a second piece of gum. ‘I need to see this information before I make a call,’ he says, shoving the second piece into his mouth.

I hand over a memory stick. I spent last night scanning and saving copies of the documents from Ms X. The originals are in a locked cabinet at my apartment. ‘It’s all on there.’

‘Sit,’ Dave orders. He pops the stick into the side of his laptop and starts scanning the files.

I perch on the edge of the chair where so many hopeful journalists have sat, pushing for their story to get a run. Dave stares intently at the large monitor on his desk, opening file after file. After ten minutes he looks up.

‘Well, you’re right, this is big. Who else knows about it?’

‘Just you and me,’ I reply, trying to keep my voice steady.

Dave stares at me, his eyes cold and calculating, like he is debating whether to place a big bet on the hundred to one shot in the final race at Randwick. Everyone knows Dave likes a punt.

‘This is too big for you to manage,’ he says, and I jump to my feet, accidentally knocking his coffee over in my haste. Leaning across the desk, my face is just centimetres from his. ‘No way,’ I protest. ‘This is my story. I don’t need my hand held. I can do this, on my own.’

‘You’re a junior reporter Sarah, you’ve never pulled something like this off before,’ Dave says staying remarkably calm as I get more outraged.

His measured response has the desired effect, and my anger deflates as I slump back in my chair.

‘Please boss. Give me a chance. The source came to me. They want me to run this, they don’t trust anyone else,’ I plead and hate myself for sounding so whiny.

‘I want copy by Thursday night. Then I need to run it past the legal team and inform the company. But Sarah, the cops will be all over this. Not just the lawyers. Are you prepared to protect your source? At all costs?’ Dave is deadly serious as he says this, and I understand fully what he means.

If there’s a criminal investigation, I could go to gaol for not disclosing a source. I take a deep breath before answering. ‘Yes,’ is all I say as I stand and reach for the door.

Dave nods, gesturing me out of the room. ‘Get on with it. I want an update tonight on how it’s going. Don’t tell anyone what you’re working on. If you’re asked, just say it’s a special feature for the weekend. I don’t want wind of this getting out to our competitors. And Sarah,’ I pause turning to face him again. ‘Good work.’

I cannot help but smile. Not once in the last five years has my boss ever complimented me on my work.

I walk to my desk already punching out the opening line and first paragraph in my head. I am so lost in my own thoughts that at first, I don’t notice the pink post-it note dangling from the edge of my workstation. Scrawled in cramped, untidy handwriting is the message:

You’re being watched.

Scrunching the note in my hand I glance at my colleagues in the newsroom.

Everyone is busy, heads down, tapping away at keyboards or taking phone calls. No one is interested in me, no one looks my way.

My heart races. Does someone know about my meeting with Ms X? Do they know what I know? I stare around the room once more. Johnno, the racing editor, looks up and blows me a kiss. Situation normal.

I almost fall off my seat at the soft voice close to my ear. ‘Hi Sarah, what were you and the boss talking about for so long?’ whispers Brendan, a young cadet I have taken under my wing.

‘You frightened me,’ I say, my voice higher than normal.

‘Sorry, didn’t mean to make you jump. Umm … are you okay?’ Brendan asks watching the redness recede from my cheeks.

I wave my empty mug in the air, ‘Yeah fine, too much coffee, that’s all.’

‘Maybe make the next one a decaf?’ Brendan laughs. ‘Are we on for lunch later? The pub on the corner has a great Tuesday Parmigiana and Pint deal for only ten bucks,’ he looks at me all hopeful and excited.

‘Not today,’ I say turning back to my laptop. I hear Brendan grunt before returning to his desk.

Everyone in the newsroom is connected to an instant messaging app that the blokes use to share lewd jokes and Dave uses to keep us on deadline.

As my computer whirs into action, I see a new message from Dave. I click it open.

Sarah, what did Brendan want?  You don’t have time for idle chit chat. You have a BIG story to write, remember?

Typical Dave. Rolling my eyes, I tap out a quick reply.

I know. I’m on it. Brendan wanted to know what we were talking about. I didn’t tell him anything. Boss, someone left a note on my desk. It said I’m being watched. It’s making me nervous. Can I take the laptop and work from home?

Three dots appear. Dave’s writing back. I watch and wait …

Alright take the laptop but keep your head down. If someone knows what you’ve been doing, who your source is or what you know, things could get ugly. Message me as soon as you get home. Do you have a flatmate or anyone that can stay with you?

Dave is an old-school journo who is as tough as they come. He doesn’t frighten easily. My anxiety rises and the humming starts again.

No, just my cat. I’ll be fine boss. I’ll lock the door and message you as soon as I get home.

I cram my computer, charger and notepad into my laptop bag and hoist my handbag onto my shoulder.

I look across to Brendan who mouths silently, ‘Where are you going?’

I nod to the exit, and he follows me to the lift. As soon as the doors close, he turns to me.

‘Sarah, what’s going on? You just got to work and now you’re leaving?’

Brendan’s blue eyes lock on mine. He’s genuinely concerned. But I need to keep this to Dave and myself for now.

‘I’m working on a special feature. It’s a long and complicated piece, and Dave has only given me a couple of days to finish it. I’m going to work on it at home, so I’m not disturbed,’ I reply as we step out of the lift and stride to my car.

‘A special feature? What on?’ Brendan asks.

‘It’s a surprise,’ I say smiling at him. Throwing my gear in the backseat I quickly slide into my ten-year-old Renault.

Brendan has not moved. He just keeps looking at me like he knows I am keeping something from him.

‘I have to go. Deadline, you know,’ I joke, and he finally moves away from the car. I wave out the window as I head for home.

Johnno has a poster at his desk that says:

Write Drunk. Edit Sober

I think about that as I grab a beer from the fridge and crack it open. I can hear my mother tsking. ‘Daytime drinking Sarah, really!’ but I push the internal criticism aside. I need a drink.

All the way home I couldn’t help peering in the rear vision mirror. At one point I was sure I was being followed, then told myself I was overreacting. The note on my desk and Dave’s concern is making me edgy.

A mass of black fur jumps onto the dining table, trying to distract me from my work.

‘Sebastian, get down. Naughty boy,’ I say pulling him from the table and giving him a quick cuddle before depositing him on the floor.

Sebastian rubs against my legs before taking up his favourite position on top of the couch next to the window.

I look at what I have written. Not a bad start.

While the Lions illegal steroid use and bikie links is the lead, the story is peppered with facts about the illegal use and market for anabolic steroids and performance enhancing drugs in Australia. I have been researching the topic since my first conversation with Ms X.

Over the last six weeks I have cultivated a contact in the Drugs and Firearms Squad in the New South Wales Police Force. The facts I included are from public sources, but my contact has given me an insight into the uphill battle the police face in curbing the lucrative illegal drug trade in Australia.

I pull out my phone and call him.

He answers after two rings. ‘Constable Tony Matthews.’

‘Hey Tony, it’s Sarah Jones, from The Advocate. Do you have a moment? I have a couple of questions that I thought you could help with.’ No response. ‘It’s part of my research.’

‘Is this off the record?’ Tony asks.

‘Yes,’ I reply and wait.

‘Ask away. I’ll let you know if I can help or not,’ Tony replies.

‘Thanks. So, in the last two years, official records indicate the number of seizures of steroids has decreased slightly but the weight of seizures has increased. There has also been an increase in arrests of members of organised crime groups for trafficking illegal steroids.’ I pause for a moment before continuing.

‘I hear the Taipans outlaw motorcycle gang is heavily involved in the distribution of steroids and performance enhancing drugs, but I haven’t found any evidence of their members being arrested for this. Are you able to confirm if they are involved in the steroid black market?’ I pause, waiting for his response.

‘That’s not research Sarah. You’re asking about operational matters and I’m not able to comment, either on or off the record. However, if I were able tell you anything I would suggest you visit the Star Tavern.’

‘The Star Tavern,’ I repeat, ‘right. Thanks Tony. One more question. Have you heard of a guy called Bulldog? Is he associated with the Taipans?’ I hold my breath, waiting.

‘That’s two questions. Again, that’s operational, and I couldn’t tell you anything except he likes to hang out at the Star,’ he finishes.

‘Thanks Tony.’

‘Take care Sarah,’ he says before hanging up.

I now have another link between Bulldog, the Taipans, and the Star Tavern.

I want to talk to Dave. Tell him what I have so far and ask him if I should contact the Lions, seek an official comment.

If I confront them, the Lions could threaten legal action which may delay or kill the story. More importantly, I may burn Ms X or put myself and the paper at risk. But it goes against my ethics as a journalist not to give them a chance to comment.

I take a long swig of beer and message Dave.

Story coming along but I don’t have a response from the club.

If I call them, they will know I’m onto something.

I could expose my source, or they could kill the story. If I don’t, I am not giving them right of reply. Advice?

One minute. Five minutes. Ten minutes. No reply.

Very unlike Dave. I start humming again, Shake it off, Shake it off.

After twenty minutes I call Dave’s number at work. His assistant answers.

‘Hi Jen, it’s Sarah, is Dave around? I need to talk to him.’

‘Hi Sarah. No, he’s not. He left over an hour ago. Didn’t say where he was going or when he would be back, but he can’t be far away. He has an editorial meeting in half an hour. Why don’t you try his mobile?’

‘Right. Thanks Jen,’ I hang up and call Dave’s mobile.

It rings and rings and rings, finally going through to his message bank.

I ask Dave to call me as soon as possible, hang up and finish off the beer.

Around 3pm Brendan messages me. The Editor-In-Chief Jack Williams is on the rampage. Dave missed an editorial meeting and Jack’s assistant is searching for him. No one knows where Dave is.

My anxiety levels are so high not even Taylor Swift can allay them. I debate calling the big boss but hesitate.

What if Dave has gone offline to do his own investigation, to confirm what I told him? He may not have informed the Editor-in-Chief yet. If I tell the big boss what I am working on before Dave speaks to him, he will rip out my innards.

At 6pm I take a break, order pizza and feed Sebastian. I am onto my third beer. Still no word from Dave.

The doorbell rings and I call out, ‘Thank you, just leave it at the door.’ I hear footsteps fading away and unlock the door, my tummy rumbling. The pizza smells delicious but as I pick it up there is an envelope underneath. I take the box and envelope inside and lock the door behind me.

In the envelope is a photo of me opening my apartment door. I am in the clothes I wore to work. The picture was taken when I returned home this morning. I turn it over and there is a warning, in the same handwriting as the note this morning.

Remember. You’re being watched.

My hands start trembling.

Someone is watching me at work … and at home!

I try calling Dave again. No luck.

I decide to call the big boss, but I don’t have his number in my phone. As I search through my notebook my phone rings. It’s a private number. I hesitate, then press the green answer button.

‘Hello, this is Sarah Jones,’ I try to sound calm and professional.

Silence.

‘Dave? Is that you? Are you OK?’ I ramble.

‘This isn’t Dave,’ a man’s voice, low and threatening responds, and my heart starts thumping.

‘Who is this?’ I ask, my voice going up an octave.

‘Don’t publish the story, don’t discuss it with anyone. If you do, you’ll regret it.’ Click.

I drop the phone in my lap. I am really shaking now, not Shaking it off, just shaking.

I consider calling Constable Matthews. Confessing to him what I know about the Lions club and the threatening notes and phone call.

My laptop pings. An incoming message.

I rush to the dining table. It’s from Dave. Thank God.

Sarah, how’s the story going? Can you come to the office tonight at 11pm? We need to talk without others around.

I read and re-read the message.

There is no explanation for where he has been. No answer to my questions. I take a deep breath before replying, trying to calm my fractured nerves.

Can we talk now? Weird stuff has been happening and I just had a threatening call.

I wait …

No. We need to talk tonight in person, in private. Do not approach the club, not yet. You can tell me about the call tonight.

Seriously? That’s his advice.

I plonk myself on the couch. Without thinking I shove a slice of pepperoni pizza into my mouth, chewing and thinking about my next move.

Finally, I return to the dining table and keep working on the story, trying to push the notes and phone call from my mind. More than once, I pull out my phone, my fingers ready to dial Jack Williams or Constable Matthews. Each time I hesitate. I’m worried, but I also don’t want to jeopardise my chance of a front-page scoop.

At 10.30pm I climb into my car and head back to the office, my laptop stowed in the front seat beside me. Traffic is quiet and it only takes 20 minutes to get to the office. When I pull into my space the car park is almost empty. I swipe my afterhours pass and take the lift to the newsroom.

There should be no one left in the newsroom. The printing staff are working the presses, but they operate from another part of the building. As I step out of the lift the overhead fluorescents flicker on, and the light is still on in Dave’s office. Through the frosted glass walls, I can see the outline of a person crouched over the desk.

I knock on the door and hear a muffled, ‘Come in.’

As I open the door several things happen at once.

First, my laptop’s wrenched from my hands. Second, I’m forced into the chair opposite the desk. Third, it’s not Dave facing me.

‘Good evening, Ms Jones. I wish I could say it’s a pleasure to meet you,’ I recognise the voice from the call earlier and his face from Ms X’s photo.

‘Bulldog, isn’t it?’ I ask, as my hands are yanked behind the chair and tied together.

Bulldog grins, white teeth gleaming. ‘Ah, you know who I am. How unfortunate,’ the smile never reaching his eyes. ‘You’ve been busy Ms Jones. Let’s get to the point. What do you know and who have you told?’ he asks leaning back in Dave’s chair and placing his large feet on the desk.

‘Go to hell,’ I say, trying hard to maintain the bravado I don’t feel. ‘Tell me where Dave is.’

‘He’s safe, for now. Tell me what you know,’ Bulldog replies as he picks up an old-fashioned fountain pen from Dave’s desk, takes off the cap and starts twirling it between his fingers.

My mind is whirring. There are security cameras all over the building. I pray the night guard has seen me arrive and will come to check on me soon.

‘I know you are supplying illegal steroids to the Lions club. I know the club is privately sanctioning the use of performance enhancing drugs for its players. And I know you will go to gaol, for a long time, when this gets out,’ I finish.

‘Ah, but Ms Jones, it won’t get out,’ he smirks, placing a mobile on the desk and hitting the speaker button.

‘Put Mr Rogers on,’ he says, and I hear shuffling and grunting before Dave’s voice comes across the line. ‘Sarah, are you okay?’

‘Dave, I’m alright. Are you hurt?’ I stammer.

‘Mr Rogers is fine. For now. So, Ms Jones, I ask again, who have you talked to about this?’ Bulldog’s eyes are cold and hard.

I try stalling for more time.

‘How do I know you won’t still hurt me, and Dave?’ I ask.

‘Ms Jones, please. Don’t test me. If you don’t tell me who knows about this, I will have to take drastic action,’ Bulldog keeps his eyes fixed on mine and I cry out as my arms are pulled down hard from behind, almost dislocating my shoulders.

‘Sarah. It’s okay. Just tell them what they need to know,’ Dave says, pain evident in his voice.

‘Only Dave. Only Dave knows,’ I fire the words like bullets from a gun.

‘Don’t lie to me Ms Jones. What about your friend, the love-sick cadet?’ Bulldog queries, still twirling the pen in his hand.

‘I didn’t tell Brendan anything. He thinks I’m working on a special feature, that’s all,’ I sob as my arms are yanked again.

Bulldog jumps out of Dave’s chair and kneels in front of me, caressing my knee before plunging the fountain pen deep into my leg. I scream and Bulldog presses the pen deeper. ‘What about the cops? Have you talked to the police?’

Before I can respond the door bursts open and police in bullet proof vests storm in, taking down the man I cannot see behind me and throwing Bulldog to the ground. Sauntering in behind them, looking like the cat that ate the cream is none other than the smarmy racing editor Johnno.

‘Hi Princess, thought you might need some help,’ he says winking at me.

I am so confused all I say is ‘You. How?’

Muffled cries of ‘police’ can be heard on the phone as Johnno strides to the other side of the desk, settling himself in the chair recently occupied by Bulldog.

‘I told you I could do you a favour, but you refused my help,’ he says. ‘Dave is broke. He owes lots of money to all sorts of not very nice people, including this mob. He’s dangerous and desperate. One of my racing contacts spilt the beans on him a few weeks ago. I’ve been watching him closely ever since. I never trusted that man. I followed you home the other night. I thought you might be heading to a bar where I could talk to you in private, but you ended up in a dingy back street and met with a strange woman. I thought it was some love affair until I saw you talking to Dave this morning and then hurrying home. I knew something was up, so I followed you and took a photo at your apartment,’ Johnno pauses for dramatic effect before continuing. Through my confusion I can tell he is loving every moment.

‘I left you another note. I admit it was just a bit of fun until Dave failed to return to work today and couldn’t be reached. My contact told me the Taipans were involved. I went back to your apartment, watched you from across the street. I saw you leave and come back here.

‘I went the guard’s station; he was out cold, and I saw you enter Dave’s office on the security camera. I saw what was happening, called the police and ta da, here we are,’ Johno says, putting his hands behind his head and his feet up on the desk.

I am so gobsmacked I cannot speak.

‘Now about that drink,’ he says leaning towards me.